Halloween is just around the corner, and that got me thinking about scary things. Specifically, scary movies — and the cars their villains drive. So I decided to make a list of eight cars the villain would drive if I were to choose the cars for a scary movie.
Now, just to be clear here, these are not eight cars the villain would drive in a psychological thriller. I’m not talking about movies where someone is trying to find out who’s created a huge conspiracy against them, or there’s some scene where the music lulls you into a false sense of security, and then the main character finds a spider in the bathtub. No, the cars below would be driven by a villain in the kind of movie where two terrified college students run into a cabin and discover that the walls are covered in photos of them taken since birth. So, here goes.
1980s Chevrolet Pickup
You can’t have a list of scary-movie villain cars without some dilapidated 1980s truck — painted some distinctive color, sporting some distinctive body damage or fitted with some distinctive lift kit — that always signifies trouble when it appears on screen. Here’s how my scary movie with a 1980s Chevy pickup would go. First, you see a happy family playing on their front porch. Then, the 1980s Chevy pickup pulls up, and an unseen villain climbs out in one of those scenes where they only show his feet touching the ground. Then, in the next scene, the family has been kidnapped, and they’re living in a network of underground caves filled with slugs. Find a Chevrolet truck for sale
1990s Ford Econoline
Some of the greatest movie villains of all time have driven vans. See, for example, the villains in Home Alone — Harry and Marv — who drive around in a 1980s Dodge van in order to pretend they work for Oh-Kay Plumbing and Heating, when they actually they want to steal things. Unfortunately, their van would be too old to blend in these days, so a modern villain would want something newer, like a 1990s Ford Econoline. A late-1990s or early-2000s Chevy Express would also do the trick. Either way, a scary movie villain’s van shouldn’t include any rear windows. And it should probably be outfitted with all sorts of weird devices, because scary-movie villains always have weird devices. Find a Ford Econoline for sale
Some people think the Maserati GranTurismo is handsome; some people think it’s ugly. Regardless of what you think of its styling, there’s no doubt about one thing: It isn’t nice. This isn’t a car you see and think to yourself, “Oh! The person who drives that car would probably donate massive sums of money to charity, even if it wasn’t tax-deductible!” Instead, you look at this car and expect it to be driven by the kind of wealthy and powerful movie murderer who plans every single aspect of his crime, taunting the police to catch him as he carefully leaves them detailed clues. Find a Maserati GranTurismo for sale
Given that there are so many versions of the Mercedes-Benz S-Class, there are lots of different ways it could be driven by a scary-movie villain. For instance, a cruel dictator could drive a 1980s S-Class right before he imposes some harsh punishment on his people, such as instant death for anyone caught using the word “anyways” in a sentence. Or a villainous businessperson could be chauffeured around in a new S-Class, leading a stereotypical high-end family life, right before he tells his driver to go home for the night — at which point he turns into a murderous killer. Whatever your scary-movie villain, the S-Class has you covered. Find a Mercedes-Benz S-Class for sale
Mercedes-Benz SL65 AMG Black Series
Never in the history of automobiles has there been a better scary-movie villain car than this one. I mean, seriously, just look at it. It’s like the head of Mercedes-Benz watched a couple of really scary movies and then said to his designers, “We don’t get enough product placement in scary movies.” So in response, they created this thing, which looks like the kind of car that the villain would step into after murdering four people with expert precision then drive into the city to meet his wife for dinner. The wing. The flared fenders. The wheels. The V12 under the hood. You don’t mess with someone who has an SL65 AMG Black Series, or you may get your head chopped off. Find a Mercedes-Benz SL 65 AMG for sale
Few cars say scary-movie villain like something from the 1930s. Those looooong fenders, white wall tires and giant headlights offer the perfect level of distinction for a car driven by some unseen and possibly supernatural killer as he stalks his prey in the night. A scary-movie villain driving a 1930s Packard should also be accompanied by some sort of scary, dramatic music to let the viewer know that he means business. The business of fear. Mwahahahahahahaha…
Although you might think of the Range Rover as a suburban luxury vehicle, I could see it as the choice for a scary-movie villain who takes a break from his normal, everyday routine to show up in a rural area and carry out scary-movie acts. Just imagine it: The long, black, shiny Range Rover appears in the small town, huge wheels glistening in the sun, and all the children playing outside quickly run into their houses and lock the doors to get away from this unknown monster. Then he cackles as the sun goes down, the moon comes up, and now it’s his turn to play. So he opens up the back, where he keeps his treasure trove of unusual weapons, and goes out on his rampage. Or, you know, it could be a stockbroker who commits fraud. Find a Range Rover for sale
1980s Rolls-Royce Silver Spirit
These days, a 1980s Rolls-Royce Silver Spirit just screams scary-movie villain. While it may have been a high-end luxury car when it was new, it’s now fallen into the hands of a slightly different crowd — and its low pricing has made it the perfect choice for the kind of person looking to strike fear in the hearts of residents of some small town filled with good country folks just trying to get by. Just imagine it: Small town families look outside their windows and shout, “Oh, no! It’s midnight! Mr. Smith is coming around!” And then everyone in the town hides, waiting for Mr. Smith to pass as he slowly drives his Rolls-Royce Silver Spirit up and down Main Street, looking for a face to eat. Find a Rolls-Royce Silver Spirit for sale